


Hold On or Let Go?

by teamrebecchi



Category: Neighbours (TV), neighfics - Fandom
Genre: Gen, Male-Female Friendship, Past Relationships, how do you know when it's time to let go of the past and move on with your life?, similar past experiences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-01 07:13:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18795505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teamrebecchi/pseuds/teamrebecchi
Summary: Struggling with her relationship, Mishti approaches Toadie for help.





	Hold On or Let Go?

_“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”  
_ ―  **Søren Kierkegaard**

 

_“What do you think of Leo?”_

Mishti asked softly, as she turned to look at Toadie who was sitting on the bench to her right and about to take a bite out of his sandwich. It was a question she’d been intending to ask him every day she’d approached him, asking him out to lunch over the last week but every day, she backed out - stopping herself. She had a vague idea of what Toadie might’ve said, of where the question would lead once she asked it and it was something until this very moment that she didn’t know if she was actually ready for.

 _“Um…”_ Toadie laughed nervously, looking around before putting his sandwich down and shrugging his shoulders. _“I don’t really know him. Not well anyway. We’ve spoken a couple of times but that’s about it really.”_

Toadie turned to look at Mishti, who smiled at him faintly before looking away and sighed, alerting Toadie to her change in behaviour and that she didn't hear what she was hoping to. _“Why do you ask? Has, um… Has something happened?”_

_“I’m not really sure. We’ve always had… issues, clashed at times but it just seems to keep getting worse. It… it feels worse. Something’s… changed. Between us and… and Leo’s been different too.”_

_“That’s not exactly surprising.”_

_“No, I know that and he’s… he’s still all over the place, I get that. I do. I don’t expect him to be… okay but, it’s more than that. Last week, something happened with Jimmy and… he was just so upset but, when I asked him about it, he brushed me off. And it’s not just this either. It’s… it’s everything. He won’t tell me what’s going on. He’s hiding things from me, lying about anything and everything all the time and he just doesn’t tell me the truth and I…”_ Mishti took a deep breath, turning to look directly at Toadie. _“I don’t trust him.”_

 _“Mishti…”_ Toadie said softly as he reached out, holding onto her hand momentarily.

 _“God!”_ Mishti whispered, shaking her head as she looked down at the ground and sighed. _“I really thought I managed to get past this, you know?”_ Mishti looked up at Toadie as she moved her hand away from his and pushed her hair back. _“After the background check I…”_

 _“Whoa! What?”_ Toadie cut her off mid-sentence, his eyes blinking repeatedly. _“I’m… I’m sorry, the what?”_

 _“Oh, um…”_ Mishti closed her eyes and clenched her teeth. “ _I had a friend in Sydney do a background check on Leo… just after we got together.”_

Toadie tilted his head back as he started laughing. _“Well, you know what they say: nothing says love like running a police check on your soon to be boyfriend.”_

Toadie continued to laugh as Mishti looked away, embarrassed and uncomfortable as Toadie realised what he’d done and started to rub his head, muttering under his breath as he shook his head. _“Sorry. I… I don’t know what that was._ ” Toadie took a deep breath, to regain his composure. _“What did it say?”_

 _“It was clean.”_ Mishti said.

 _“He’s a Robinson. Just means he hasn’t been caught yet.”_ Toadie stated as Mishti leaned back, looking around, surprised by his comment. " _You’re a cop, Mishti, you know that. Leo is his father’s son as anyone will tell you and I… I know Paul.  What he’s capable of, the things he’s done and trust me, it’s not good. So, if you don’t trust him… maybe it’s time to call it quits.”_

_“It’s… it’s not that easy.”_

Toadie leaned in and spoke softly. _“Zander?”_

 _“Yeah.”_ Mishti whispered under her breath sadly.

_“What was he like?”_

_“He was…”_ Mishti’s eyes softened as she smiled and her voice was filled with happiness. “ _He was amazing! He was a really, really good man. Probably the best person I’ve ever known. He was… nice and caring and honest and… and supportive and so dedicated to helping people. It meant so much to him and… he always made sure people knew the truth, no matter what it was or who got hurt, it didn’t stop him. He didn’t care about the consequences for him, only doing what was right.”_

 _“Different to Leo then.”_ Toadie asked.

 _“Very. Leo is just…”_ Mishti took several deep breaths, biting her lips as she tried to find the words. “ _He’s just so good at lying about… everything, you know? He can just manipulate any situation and knows how to talk his way out of anything. He also has this way of just…”_ Mishti held her hands out in front of her before closing them into a fist as bringing them towards her chest, clenching her teeth.  _“drawing you in, whether you want to or not and you just, it’s like you go against your better judgement with him and…”_

 _“Then, why are you with him?”_ Toadie asked, confused.

 _“Well, because… Because... “_ Mishti closed her eyes and pressing her hand against her quivering lips. _“When I lost Zander… I was in a fog and… and I thought it was never going to get better. That I was never going to get through that pain, that it would never stop and then… I met Leo.”_ Mishti smiled, faintly as Toadie subtly shook his head and sighed. _“He was someone I actually wanted to be with. He made me happy and he challenged me and I love him and… he’s the first person I’ve been in a relationship with, that I was able to even think about being in a relationship with since…”_

Toadie butted in, cutting her off. “ _It’s a nice feeling but it isn’t enough if you don’t trust him.”_ Toadie gestured to Mishti. _“The way you were talking about him says it all. Ending things now might be the right thing to do. You can’t be happy if you’re thinking about his like this.”_ Toadie paused, taking a deep breath and recognising something in Mishti, in the way she talked about Zander and Leo and closed his eyes before continuing. _“And, maybe… you’re just not ready to move on yet.”_

Mishti looked at him, squinting confused as Toadie cleared his throat and started tapping his hand on the outside of his right leg. _“Before Sonya, I… I wasn’t ready to be with… with anyone. I messed up so many times. Ruined a lot of relationships because I was… I was scared. Scared of getting hurt again so it was just easier to push them away. Sonya too, actually.”_

Toadie shook his head in annoyance, biting his bottom lip as he put his head down sadly. _“It was easier than taking that risk, you know? You either… let them in and lose them and have it destroy you or… you push them away and chose to be alone forever. That’s what I did - I came up with the worst possible reasons to end things and I hurt so many people in the process. I did the same with Callum too.”_ Mishti looked at Toadie shocked as he nodded. “ _Yeah. Sent him away. We were becoming a real family and… I realised my mistake and got him back but… I was prepared to lose him because I was scared._

 _“But, Sonya… she’s different? Worth it?”_ Mishti asked.

 _“She is.”_ Toadie’s eyes lit up as he smiled. _“I love her… more than anything in the world. She’s… she’s my everything and I couldn’t even begin to imagine my life without her in it and she is worth that risk - I’d rather have her in my life than not. But…”_ Toadie’s tone changed as he turned to look at Mishti sadly. _“If you asked me this years ago, I probably would have said… No! Not because I didn’t always love her but because… I’ve nearly lost her so many times and every time…”_ Toadie’s voice started to break up as he struggled to maintain his composure. _“Every single time, I’ve been plunged straight back into the past. Reminded of everything I lost and…”_

Toadie took several deep breaths, attempting to smile through the tears and sadness that were starting to overwhelm him as Mishti placed her hand gently on his arm before Toadie turned the subject away from himself. _“Is that what this is about? With Leo… Him ending up in hospital last year?”_

 _“What? Um… No. We… we weren’t even together then.”_ Mishti responded, taken aback at the sudden change in conversation.

 _“No, but… he nearly died and losing someone you love that…”_ Toadie whispered. _“that feeling never goes away. It stays with you forever and no one wants to experience that twice and you know… just as much as I do how easily that can happen, that you can lose them and…”_ Toadie started laughing, wiping his face and eyes. _“I don’t know what I’m trying to say, sorry._

_“No, it’s okay.”_

Mishti smiled, reassuringly and Toadie turned to look at her, his composure dropped as he stood up, taking several steps forward and closing his eyes, his breathing was getting heavier before he turned to face her and spoke softly and slowly.

_“I just… don’t go in the same direction that I did with my life. I kept taking that risk and than finding ways out of it because I wasn’t ready, because I hadn’t met the right person and I don’t want you to do the same. So, just think about it, okay? You obviously want to end things with Leo and I think you just need to figure out if… it’s because you don’t trust him or because you aren’t ready to be in a relationship yet._

Toadie looked at Mishti sadly, his eyes filling with tears as she forced a smile, gently nodding and taking a deep breath, leaning forward and looking at the ground as Toadie's emotions got the better of him and he hurried off. 


End file.
